First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
He’s cranky this morning
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.