*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Google Pay be like:
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine