First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.