The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.
My dream girl is basically a pizza in a mini skirt.
I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would’ve found it already.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Wife: is he in the pool?
Wife: again, its called swimming
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
that de-escalated quickly