[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..