@NewDadNotes

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

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@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

@EmberToAsh

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

@thatUPSdude

Thanksgiving,

A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.

@Vodkantots

I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would’ve found it already.

@david8hughes

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

@freshestginger

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

@girlziplocked

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

@Try2StopME

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”