[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Pickled cat.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.