First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work