[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?