[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

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DM: I’m 10 inches. Wanna chat?

Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!


wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m: [sweating profusely]


boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago


Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁


Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow


[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?


Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?


The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.