[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.