[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.