[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations