[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Don’t tell me what to do
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok