I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
You Might Also Like
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
In my youth, there was no “snapschapts”.
If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read
Guy 2: Got it
Woman: So what-
Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.
Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?
Him-Whatever you want.
Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*