*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it