@MaybePileJokes

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

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@smeagolsfree

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

@Jamie1947

In my youth, there was no “snapschapts”.
If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it

[date]

Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

@kcmoore51

13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.

Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.

@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@mexinonblonde

*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*