[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
This is my brand.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon