People named Thomas, your nickname isn’t “Thom” it’s Tom. “Thom” thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
You Might Also Like
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]