@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

You Might Also Like

@Scott_A_Gilmore

People named Thomas, your nickname isn’t “Thom” it’s Tom. “Thom” thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.

@stewnami

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: ok now let’s do a silly one

first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

@daemonic3

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

@Amusitr0n

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

@ClickBaite

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

@Browtweaten

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

@LizHackett

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

@Reverend_Scott

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]