[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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philosophical skeletons be like
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
the icebreaker
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.