[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
*pronounces UPS like yoops
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle