I hope google does well on my son’s test
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.