@garrettbarry70

*First date.

Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”

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@jngraphs

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

@SteveSuckington

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

@gobmentcheese

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

@lauralexx

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

@chimneyspotter

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@MrAdamBez

*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison*

*opens twitter app*

*looks up*

*being released*

@MommaUnfiltered

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

@BakedBrotatoes

[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]

-Come on it was one time guys

*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*