My first child will be named New Folder.
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
three things we don’t talk about
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.