@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

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@cuntbucketOG

Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

@CruisinSoozan

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

@wildethingy

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

@TweetPotato314

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

@cartercartilage

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

@delusions_of

We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.