[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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79.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.