[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy