[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
my one true gender
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”