*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.