[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

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32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.


I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.


wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake


Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye


“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”


I won’t slam on my brakes if someone’s tailgating me…I will, however, take my foot off the accelerator and slowly come to a stop.


if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it


Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out


Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.


[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!