Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@acidicjews

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

@CantWaitToNap

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

@Maxine12333

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

@joeljeffrey

I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.

@jrza84

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

@mrjohndarby

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

@hellohappy_time

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

@MarlonBrandNO

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

@FrigginFrench

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.