@QuickandSisi If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
@JohnnyCrash5 [First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.
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@QuickandSisi 
@bobvulfov (getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
@SilleVio I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
@bengelinas This hospital has everything
@Jonesy_donkey Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
@FredTaming me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
@iMakeUIaugh selfie game
@Dutch_50 Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
@velvettusk My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
@kyle_thatisall Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.