@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

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@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

@SilleVio

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

@Jonesy_donkey

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

@FredTaming

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

@Dutch_50

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

@velvettusk

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.