Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I think about this a lot
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.