[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
how to have fun when you’re poor
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.