[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: