@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

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@VerifiedJayy

Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.

Wait til spring

Enjoy

@jdforshort

College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs

@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@TheTweetOfGod

The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.

@ddsmidt

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

@SlothSlouch

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

@Christi_Q

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.