First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
this is so top tier i cant
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years