Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.
Wait til spring
College guy: How do you like it?
Me: Salty…of course
*slaps down $20
CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt
~Get outta the gutter pervs
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Running your mouth is not cardio.