Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
here’s your or-
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.
I just like the taste.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Me, “I rest my case.”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.