[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
That’s incredible! 👌
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here