[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I mean…but I did
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”