Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

If only.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

respect

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo