@bourgeoisalien: First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop...laugh harder. This is good advice
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@XplodingUnicorn: [Who Wants to be a Millionaire] Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend? Host: What's your friend's name? Me: Wikipedia.
@bombchelle87: I don’t understand those couples that celebrate their 3 month anniversary like it’s an achievement. I’ve had dishes in my sink for longer than that.
@McGrumpenstein: FBI Agent: You're accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant Me: ... FBI: ...I kind of want to see that Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
@_SetTheHook_: I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.