First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job