First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
how was your vacation
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.