[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
You Might Also Like
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
u spoke cat all this time??????
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore