First date with a hummingbird:

You’re moving too fast.

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Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story


Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.


I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.


some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me


I was late to work because I was having car trouble.

And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.


If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.


Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports


First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.


Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money