How is it still this week?
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Any refunds available?…
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
We have a winner.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.