@iamspacegirl

First date with a hummingbird:

You’re moving too fast.

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@Average_Dad1

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

@jjhartinger

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

@ConanOBrien

I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.

@SvnSxty

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

@Ilovelamp1979

I was late to work because I was having car trouble.

And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.

@ninjadinosaur1

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

@JohnDuffy21

Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

@thepunningman

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

@SoLongStephen

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

@baconacid

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money