[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
The pen is writier than the sword.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”