[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
this chia pet tastes awful
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
this makes me so uncomfortable
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.