Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!
ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it
OLD LADY: oh thank you!
ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”