@funflaps

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

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@patrickhogan91

Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@LeahsLounge

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

@weinerdog4life

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

@Elizasoul80

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

@TheHyyyype

OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!

ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it

OLD LADY: oh thank you!

ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!

@TheBoydP

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

@WildeThingy

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

@OtherDanOBrien

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”