@funflaps

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

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@happily_dad

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

@WheelTod

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

@amydillon

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

@ChaseMit

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

@dafloydsta

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

@lovemydogduck

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.