[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living


[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.


Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”


Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition


GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo


If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.


It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.


People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times


I got audibly prayed at by a woman clutching her crucifix necklace in the queue at Flying Tiger, whilst I was buying some black candles. I think it’s safe to say the cape is working.


It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.