Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?