[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Wake me when AI does housework
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
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1.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?