
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.