@alovablenerd

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

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@Chalu_Chokra

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

@TheToddWilliams

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

@1CleverGirl1

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

@ojedge

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

@Epygma

Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock

@RbenzHF

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

@etherealraccoon

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

@TrolleyCat

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.