@Chalu_Chokra
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
@alovablenerd
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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@Chalu_Chokra
@blade_funner
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
@ninjadinosaur1
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
@TheToddWilliams
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
@1CleverGirl1
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
@ojedge
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
@Epygma
Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock
@RbenzHF
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
@etherealraccoon
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
@TrolleyCat
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.