[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator


me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

duck: quick!
me: i see



“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”


*priest drops bible*


Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice


I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.