@GungaTits
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
@alovablenerd
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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@GungaTits
@MazMEDEA
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
@mooseandriosmom
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
@WheelTod
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
@mrjohndarby
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
@ThePaaawnShop
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
@dafloydsta
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
@lazerdoov
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
@3sunzzz
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
@theDanLawler
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.