[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby