[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
5 ways to appear taller
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.