[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing