[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

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Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.


WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why


I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.


dad: “start a rumour so people are scared of you”
me: “ok”
cellmate: “i kill people for money”
me: “i brush my teeth with hot water”


I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders


I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”


Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years