Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.
I’ll keep you all posted.
Me: I just heard a noise
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.