If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”
-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.
BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant
*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”
Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.