@GrowlyGrego

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

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@AlexvanBeek

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

@mexinonblonde

“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”

-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.

@aspiringtoucan

BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know

@StymieBrewer

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

@juliothesquare

I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”

@johngcaldwell4

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes
Me: WOOHOO!

@Tmoney68

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.