@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

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@TheDjinnTrials

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

@behindyourback

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

@SpenceDen

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

@KyleMcDowell86

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

@Supafunkadunka

My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.

@fuzzlime

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

@JoshuaGrubbsPhD

An apology, to my wife:

I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game

The five year old
Kept yelling
‘Yippee Ki Yay’

I did not think.
Instinctively, I
Finished the phrase.

And now he knows
A new word.

@AceMakesWords

“Easter?” HERE
“Thanksgiving?” HERE
“Christmas?” PRESENT

@MafiaJoker78

Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse…

Are you in a stable relationship?