A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
An apology, to my wife:
I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game
The five year old
‘Yippee Ki Yay’
I did not think.
Finished the phrase.
And now he knows
A new word.
Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse…
Are you in a stable relationship?