@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

You Might Also Like

@FunnyBison

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@BobbleheadMagy

I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@VibesBummer

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

@mackswift

THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

THEY LIED.

EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON

@CumberdickB

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

@ellewasamistake

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

@Iwriteforcats

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.