[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The two types of wives
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Great game to play with friends
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had