Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.