[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
You Might Also Like
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.