First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.