1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
When the stylist spins you back around
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.