*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?


HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”


Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”




trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song


My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.


A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.


My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas