*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

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*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs


Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*


I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.


Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.


Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.


Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.


Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.