@Dis0beyJay

*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Me:Ok
*Later*
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

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@Gilmatic

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

@JohnLyonTweets

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

@WheelTod

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

@GuyBreakup

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.

@Tmoney68

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

@david8hughes

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.