@Dis0beyJay

*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Me:Ok
*Later*
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

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@AnExocticBeach

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

@TotallyAllen

HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”

@KKAlThani

Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”

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@IamEnidColeslaw

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

@nettie0918

My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.

@GrowlyGrego

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

@paopao619

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas