Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
You’re the water to my grease fire.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
new record!
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
at ease…shoulder.